Which/Witch Doctors Are Fake?

The insensible sentence is a great staple amongst some humourists. Stephen Fry, for example, used to have great fun writing sketches for "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" that generally involved a seemingly dry monologue undercut by humour arising from unexpected homonyms. One of my favourites...

"Anyway, I was on my way into work with Sir Peter Thorneycroft, no relation, one fresh June morning in early May and we took the short cut across the fields. I stooped to pick a buttercup, why people leave buttocks lying around, I've no idea. The gentlest breeze and mildest Camemberts were packed in our hamper and all nature seemed to be holding its breath."

Perhaps we should call them Fryisms in his honour?

The architect's plans for our dream home were everything we'd ever wanted, but unfortunately, the fourth storey was going to push us beyond budget, forcing us to shed a tier/tear. We'll always have the storey/story to tell our grandkids about though.

There's plenty of scope for humour here (should we have saved it until Fryday?), but at the moment I'm afraid I just have no-eye deer.

Ponting was bold/bowled coming down the pitch to the spinner.

For the Greeks, the siege of Troy resulted in a hard fought/fort victory.

Moses: writer/righter of wrongs.

Walking on the a'a near the top of the volcano will require tuff/tough footwear.

My grandfather had any number of these in the form of jokes, e.g.

Why is running a funeral home like planning a party?
Because you need to make sure you have the right number of biers/beers.

Working them into an actual sentence is harder.

Shakespeare habitually recited filthy limericks at his local, which is why the man was barred/bard.

The management of the bankrupt dairy have lost their way/whey.

Identifying the front of a hooded cobra is easy, but few live to tell the tale/tail.

"Gladly" the cross-eyed bear was a very loyal Christian. That was always my mum's favourite.

Although that strains boundaries with mondegreens or as the Coodabeens called them "mountaintops" (as in the Blue Mink song "What we need is a great big mountaintop")

The churchgoing bride's pledge "Aisle altar hymn" is another evergreen.

No-one knows what became of the person who stole the parson's fish, but there was much speculation on the eventual fate of his sole/soul.

No talking allowed/aloud

Impatient for delivery of the handmade paste, the handmaid paced.

and of course "Ablett resigns" has the opposite meaning to "Ablett resigns"

and "the barn was raised" is the opposite of "the barn was razed"

If we don't go surfing then it ain't Gunnamatta/gunna matter.

My family has a farm out west, where the sons raise meat/sun's rays meet.

Rejoice - a tax add-on saving the planet

Re Joyce: attacks ad on saving the planet

A bald king with no sons has no heir/hair apparent.

I bumped several people when I fell down the concrete steps, and I really felt the hard stairs/stares.

After dining on cheese, the cat sat outside the mouse hole with bated/baited breath.

The house was purchased with a higher/hire purpose in mind.

The dark K/nights were a constant feature through Victoria's record long reign/rain.

The widow wore a crocheted/crow-shade shawl.

This storm makes me think we should be channeling Benny Hill...

Masterchef judge pondered whether he should have added source/sauce to officiate/a fish he ate.

If we're going Benny Hill, I'm going to post this one:

Boy Scouts are teaching meditation to help scout leaders when they find themselves feeling intense/in tents.

Delivery carts in Kent are often four wheeled/for Weald.

To complete the recipe the chef was wanting for/four more units of thyme/time.

The sound of crashing waves resulted in a literal/littoral drowning out of our conversation.

This is my foolhardy attempt to get as many homophones as I can into the one sentence. I tried to include root/route and one/won, but it didn't work out. It's a work in progress.

The guerilla warfare threw the peace into shreds.

The gorilla wore fair through the piece in two shreds.

That summer I spent more time navel/naval gazing than an introspective Rear Admiral.

The anxious editor cut-n-paced/paste furiously as the deadline approached.

The infection spread to his lung, or lungs, pleural/plural

Welcome aboard, CF. Wish you well in this week's Storm with a dual/duel dimension.

The alley beside the newsagency was blocked by a stationary/stationery truck.

Despite his proximal positioning, the Bishop could not readily gain access to the Queen, and was forced instead to sate his appetite by amassing a formidable porn/pawn collection.

It was our coach's demanding training schedule made our rowing team a success, but the persistence of his homely assistant made our coxswain.

Although variety is the spice of life, a steady rhythm is the sauce/source.

The Seekers had a song about a lonely Kiwi - "I'll never find another you/ewe"

and, from Waltzing Matilda

And he/Andy sat and watched.....

The mountains peak/peek above the clouds.

The excess high-calorie food went to waist/waste.

With the wrong ingredients, I can't beat/beet the salad.

To obtain a perfect flame, you need a perfect match. (flame = mate/fire, match = fit/fire lighter

Excess warfarin/war-faring leads to blood loss.

If Batman can be called at home on the Batphone, can Robin be summoned on the Homophone?

The base camp of Everest is as far as many people get. Some were determined to ascend despite inclement weather but there was a lot of dissent/descent.

"Blood really is thicker than water" thought detective Gannon, as he retrieved the settled sample from the lab, phialled under pee.

To share twenty-two pies amongst seven people can be a challenge; you risk cutting inequatible portions unless you're really familiar with pi/pie.

Professional carpet layers rarely make much money because they have to pay out so much for tacks/tax.

The carnival owner chose to walk to the bank rather than take the bus, even though he could afford to pay his fare/fair.

The wind blew fiercely across the village cricket pitch, as the farmers at the crease kept a wary eye on their haystacks in the distance, afraid the gale would remove their bales/bails.

After his cataract operation, Jonhhy Nash sang "I/eye can see clearly now."

Cannibals greeting missionaries: "We're pleased to meet/meat you"

Much of the hot air in Munich comes from the phone/Fohn.

Boat for sale/sail.

Slightly more convolutedly:

My part of the co-owned yacht is for sale/foresail.

I know the brief is to only have one homophone pair in the sentence, but I seem to be drawn to multiples, even if only for my own amusement.

Chased girl one night.

Chaste girl won knight.

I think this qualifies as a quadruple:
The bankrupt perfume salesman with a case of anosmia had a clear lack of sense/cents/scents.

The triathlete's path was rowed, rode and road.

Born inbred in Tasmania.

The overweight drug dealer, who delivered his wares by bicycle, was arrested for pedalling crack.

Though the better one/ bettor won, got double and partied.

*CRUDITY WARNING*
The perverted musician fingered a G string, tinkled with a pianist and blew A Flat Minor.

The farmer receding/reseeding through his tall crop soon got lost in the maze/maize.

The haggis here is just offal.

The Athiest Society is a non-prophet organisation.

The Magi honoured baby Jesus with their presents/presence.

The wealthy gave alms/arms to the struggling underclass.

After several days of irregularity, Peter took time in lieu/in loo.

Calls to mind an old saying:
She offered her honour, he honoured her offer, so all night long it was honour, offer, honour offer.

This Storm really is bringing out the old nyuk-nyuks. None of which will win Which, but still plenty of fun to relive.

Working on the rooftop, the sweep sneezed and came down with the flu/e.

He played the liar/lyre with deceptive mastery.

She plucked the loot/lute from the stage.

This may not get through the filter so I'll censor it...

As Werribee Sewerage Farm pumped its waste out into the bay, families swam there undeterred/under____

Though toothless and swigging moonshine, he wasn't comfortable with the appellation/Appalachian hillbilly.

On the road in Asia-

Newspaper stories added to the pressure forcing a poor/for Singapore government minister to resign.

Or perhaps something more contemporary (and certainly more believable)-

The facts emerged about "FIFA/fee for votes" scandal.

For most young Aussies reckon sillier tree climbing behaviour is to decline.

Don't just whine - cry wolf. Blasphemy!

Frequent application of hot wax ultimately results in pure brazilians/pube resilience.

The pastor, standing over the lifeless body of Bambi's mother, solemnly began the service: "Deerly beloved..."

From glee:

New directions/nude erections

Unstable oak shot through with white-ants.
Unstable Oakeshott through with white-ants.

WHO says cell phones cause cancer.
Who says, 'Sell phones, cause cancer'?

After the long trip home to Europe, conquistador to write "On the nose!" (Con kissed a daughter right on the nose).

Can't believe we haven't had this one yet:

My family have kept sheep for generations, so I heard/herd.

The sick SP bookie in the aviary took a tern for the bettor.

Smut alert!! Hopefully doesn't venture too far beyond the line of respectability. I didn't make it up by the way.

The gay oyster that slipped off a rock and pulled a muscle.

The opposing fans arrived at the ground, accompanied by boos/booze.

The exquisite choral/coral piece faded away in the night.

This one's going into print (this week's church bulletin) - it's my only way to beat Boniface's current affairs up-to-the-minute approach...

Sylvia has an old chest freezer to give away, so talk to her if you'd like to get a little cooler.

xxxxx

Thanks for this suite/sweet of aural ideas. The Storm has now abated, with deadline expiring y'day. Will announce our Which winner, plus a shortlist of the snazziest entries, early next week, when I'm back in the Word Cave.

Damn, I missed the deadline. The following sounds like it should be the punchline of an old joke but I think it's original:

The stubborn little piece of leather said "I won't be suede/swayed."

so as usual I'm too late to play, but just wanted to add something which is a bit of a generalisation of this...

due to recent travels in paris, i was exposed to someone who showed me a holorhyme (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holorime):

Par le bois du djinn, où s'entasse de l'effroi
Parle, bois du gin, ou cent tasses de lait froid

i tried and tried to get something equivalent in english, and all i could come up with were fairly short examples like

know your pain...
no, you're payin'

which isn't really getting into the spirit of splitting syllables over different words.

maybe some of the stormers could brew up some better examples for the english language - i did a google search and wasn't able to find any sort of list or even more than a couple of examples that seem to be the only ones going around.

any takers?

philth, my ""Gladly", the cross-eyed bear" and "Gladly, the cross I'd bear" post above fits more into your idea than into the idea of this thread

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Witch doctors, indeed.